Alone and wide awake he sits, with nothing but the ticking of his watch to accompany him. He keeps time, bides time, watches time go by, waiting in the shadow of the tree, on the front steps of the apartment building.
It's 11 PM. She should have been home by now.
But he saw neither hide nor hair, nor shadow of his quarry.
Armed with his weapon of choice, tightly gripped in his right hand, he waits.
Has she abandoned me?
A cab rounds the corner, stops at her block. Butterflies beat its heavy wings in his stomach, and settle at the sight of a woman too elderly to be her. He watches as she ambles in through the front door, which she closes gingerly behind her. Again, he is alone.
No lights in the window yet. She couldn't have slipped past me, could she?
Tonight, failure is not an option he dares to explore. It has to be done tonight, or there will be no tomorrow.
Walking on the far end of the street, he spots her. Taking long steps with her equally long legs, with purse hung at her side, she walks with her head held down, lost in thought. She takes no notice of him.
He stands up, keeps still in the shadows until the last possible moment.
She looks up, realizing too late that her arrival was too long anticipated.
He lunges at her and locks her in such an embrace that she loses her breath.
And they kiss.
In one deft motion, he releases her, takes her hand, goes down on one knee, slips on the ring, and asks her to be his and only his, in the shadow of the tree, by the front steps of the apartment building...
Welcome to Our Humble Blog
a dear friend and i have decided to write again. in an effort to get our creative juices mutually flowing (skip past the innuendo and move on to the meat, yeah?), we've decided to co-author a blog and fill its, er, electronic pages with our work. however, to make things interesting and challenging, we have to abide by the following rules:
the rules:
creative criticism and other forms of comments are welcome.
the week starts tomorrow.
GAME ON!
the rules:
- 1 creative entry per week (7 days) minimum
- said entry must be new, and never before published
- said entry cannot be a review of any sort
- said entry may have no minimum, or maximum number of words
- old entries can be published provided that an introduction with dates is included before the main body of the work.
- failure to write a new entry as defined above will result in penalty for the offender in the form of treating the non-offending co-author to a meal, with drink of course.
creative criticism and other forms of comments are welcome.
the week starts tomorrow.
GAME ON!
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is it good that it raises too many questions? :) una, it seems like he is a stalker of some sort. no offense :D.
ReplyDeletesecond, if she wasn't expecting him, how could she have abandoned him?
third, bakit may change in perspective? its for the most part in the 3rd person then 2 instances, in personal questions like "had [sic] she abandoned me?" biglang naging first.
fourth, if this were a proposal, parang ang bilis naman ng mga pangyayari. dba dapat ask muna before slipping on the ring? hehe.
"She takes no notice of the him" --dapat ata walang the? hehe. hay nako. ikaw na maghanap ng mga kelangan i-edit. :P
it would have been better if it was the man who was feeling "stalked" and threatened but knew that it had to be done. gets? or he is doing the "stalking" reluctantly, like he had to play a role. Wooooohooooo, I love that idea.
ReplyDeletethe inconsistencies can play into the idea that this is a moment fraught with fear, anxiety and confusion... but maybe a bit more editing?
ReplyDeleteInconsistent points raised:
"Has she abandoned me?" - stray thought could have been expanded to deepen the fear
"Tonight, failure is not an option he dares to explore. It has to be done tonight, or there will be no tomorrow." - again, this could have been expanded to follow his thought process as to why he had to do it at all
"She looks up, realizing too late that her arrival was too long anticipated." - maybe she was also slightly afraid? that this moment has become bigger than just the two of them? that it is a MOMENT weighty with collective social expectation?
"In one deft motion, he releases her, takes her hand, goes down on one knee, slips on the ring, and asks her to be his and only his, in the shadow of the tree, by the front stops of the apartment building... " - why the ellipses??? And too many actions in one sentence. You can convey the swiftness even if you divide into sentences. i.e. "He released her then took her hand. He went down on one knee. Without stopping to look at her reaction, he took her hand and slipped a ring on her finger. There. He asked in one breath, "will you be mine and only mine?" He noticed that it was cold under the shadow of the tree."
Much more atmospheric, wouldn't you agree?
Nice, but underdeveloped, idea.
wow. talk about critiquing. :) and i thought i was being bad. hehe.
ReplyDeleteha? masama ba sinabi ko?? Ikaw kim.
ReplyDeletehindi masama. pero talagang kinilatis mo. hehe. :) pinigilan ko na nga sarili ko from correcting the inconsistencies with tenses and such. hehe.
ReplyDeleteyes. inconsistencies in perspectives done on purpose. maybe more spacing to convey the differences. and yes, the idea that he was stalking her was how i was trying to describe the situation in the beginning. trying to lead you down a path of thought while ending in a totally different location.
ReplyDeletethe inconsistence of tense, well, sorry. :) sakit ko yun.
and no, i don't particularly want to reword the ending. :P because 1, i wanted to end the way i began. 2., yes too many actions in one line, two many thoughts, but wouldn't you be all a flutter and all confusion if you had to do something akin to what the character did?
yes. a lot of questions. :) that is the point of this little story. makes you wonder what exactly he's doing there. actually it made me wonder what he was doing there din. so as a reader, and the author, it was a journey of discovery. hahaha.
removed the unecessary "the". but didn't see the "had".
:P clearly this work wouldn't have passed through heights delibs. hahaha. :)
yea, i guess the inconsistencies in the perspective could hold. they always occur in separate paragraphs anyway. but i guess it becomes problematic when you follow it immediately with a shift in in perspective indicative of a narrative or sorts. maybe insert a line or two about the environment, para lang ma break ung line of thought from the first person to the third, and to signal the transition to the reader.
ReplyDeletei like the idea of developing it from seemingly threatening stalker to a smitten suitor. but some of the points that tina brought up could help develop it better. you could keep the ending. it is your story. i see the point you want to make though, the urgency of the moment and the confusion and all that. kaya lang i guess tina wanted you to build the momentum until you reach the end.
hahahaha. :) i get the point. kaya lang medyo inaantok lang ako, an the muses don't appreciate being put on hold.
ReplyDeleteit wasn't the perspective that was changing. the whole of it was from the guy's point of view right? like i said, the confusion could have been portrayed more clearly. instead of a reader understanding it is the character being confused, it comes across that the AUTHOR was the one confused. not a good idea to let the reader think you've lost control of your own story.
ReplyDeletebut did i lose control? :)
ReplyDeletelet go na. :) let gooooooo.
it seems like you did. :P
ReplyDeleteFine, let it go na daw Kimpotsky. Sabi ko na nga ba eh, pang catharsis lang niya ang blog na ito. Unlike others who want to practice a craft and improve. :P
Bitch, thy name is Tina. Yep, alam ko na yun! :P
mooooving on.. hehe. :)
ReplyDeleteYes Tina, thy name is bitch. este basta yun. :)
ReplyDeleteWhile this blog was created to get our creative juices flowing, to force us to write, the goals as mentioned in the comment above were not explicitly stated. :)
JUST FOR FUN KIDS. criticism is welcome, but really, lets not take ourselves too seriously. REALLY. :)